The V.A. has enabled me to do a lot of my PTSD therapy at home via Telehealth. I was provided with an iPad mini for this purpose. The last several weeks I have done therapy at home, and am very grateful for this. I’m able to stay home and stay safe, while my state is still under “stay at home orders.” Two weeks ago, my therapist assigned me some “home work.”

I was asked to sit down once each day and write about one positive thing I like about myself. Not just writing “I am nice” and being done with it. But, to write about it at length. We are working on strengthening positive beliefs and challenging negative core beliefs.

Many people might look at this assignment and think it’s quite easy. Some might even think it’s silly. I found it challenging. It made me feel uncomfortable. It made me feel squirmy. I found this feeling to be quite frustrating because I am the consummate list-maker. I write lists for everything. I am organized. I am a great planner. However, this list whipped me up one side and down the other, and threw me out the door soaking wet.

Me. The chatterbox, the list-maker, the person who talks too much, and always has something to say, or something to write. I was left silent, with nothing to say, barely able to write. I partially completed my assignment only out of a huge sense of obligation, and knowing I would feel guilty about it, if I didn’t do it.

So, for Week #1 this is what I came up with:

• I am a good cook.

• I am empathetic.

• I have a strong sense of community service.

• I am a good planner. 

• I love learning new things.

And for Week #2 this is what I came up with:

• I am a good gardener.

• I am tolerant.

• I am responsible.

• I am loyal.

• I am courteous.

5/7 for each week wasn’t too bad, right? Yup, sure. That’s what I told myself, trying to make myself feel better about it. But now, I will try to share what happened and how I felt, when I tried to flesh my list out. To take each thing and explain it. It would have been so much easier to just create a bulleted list….I am this, I am that, I believe this, blah blah…..keep it all on the surface. But no, I had to dive deep, and I floundered.

What I didn’t really realize is that when I did write about those positive things, I spent a great deal of time justifying those positive things. Giving credit to the person or event that taught me that thing, or gave me reason to emulate that thing. Not giving myself any credit whatsoever for embracing that thing, carrying it forward in my own life, to benefit myself and those around me. (“That thing” being the positive trait or habit, the good thing. Haha, how funny that I am calling it “THAT THING” here. Hmmm.) 

I presented it almost in the form of a question, like I needed permission to say something nice about myself…..let alone believe it. It made me feel uncomfortable. It made me feel like a spotlight was on me. It made me feel like I was bragging and being arrogant. It came across like I was trying to prove something I didn’t really believe. It made me want to go silent and disappear.

It’s good for me that I have a therapist that doesn’t let me fall down the rabbit hole and stay there. It was she who showed me how I was seeking approval, making sure it was OK that there were good things about me. We talked about ways that I can work on this, and things I can do every day to strengthen my beliefs about my positive traits.

And, this week guess what I have to do? ACK! Every day I need to write one positive thing about myself, and “discuss it.” Again. Be kinder to myself in the process. Reminding myself that I don’t need permission, and I have nothing to prove. Wish me luck.