THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2020 

I’ll start this off by reminding readers that I am not a mental health professional. I write from the perspective of a person who lives with a myriad of mental and emotional health issues. Those that have followed my haphazard blog along it’s bumpy road, know some of the reasons and some of the consequences. This particular entry is no different. It’s my experiences and thoughts, and what has worked or not worked, for me.

Sometime in my life, decades ago, I developed this habit (trait, behavior, reaction, response, or however else it may be more aptly labeled) of judging my feelings harshly. When emotions would pop up, whether they were quite appropriate or not, my inner self reacted very badly to them. I was left in this perpetual state of feeling bad about feeling bad, which made me feel worse. 

Since we’ve been on stay at home orders because of COVID19 for the past month, I’ve tried to use this time wisely, and do a bit of journaling about this. I’ve been troubled about it. So, I have started a self study to uncover why I feel bad about feeling bad.

As a child, I was never specifically instructed to not show emotion. But, I was never encouraged to talk about emotions. I only saw my dad cry once the entire time I lived at home, and it was for maybe 5 minutes, until “he got himself together” to handle the more practical things that need to be done. This was when he got the terrible phone call that his mother had died. Yes, he did cry. It frightened me because that was something I had never seen before. Within minutes, he composed himself, and was that strong dad I was familiar with. The one who can do anything, and fix anything, and is always there. Strong and predictable.

In school, our parents expected us to listen to our teachers, to not be disruptive to the class, to get good grades, and to get along everybody. 

Don’t be a crybaby. Make them proud. Don’t embarrass them by being bad. This was how I perceived it. I was never told these things specifically. By observation I learned that doing things wrong, made people angry. 

But I do remember some words:  “Family business is private.” “Why are you crying?” “I’ll give you something to cry about.” “Why are you unhappy?” “You just don’t appreciate all that is done for you.” “Go to your room until you’re done crying.” “Go to your room and think about what you have done.” “How could you do this to me?” “How could you treat us like this?” Words that probably most kids have heard at one time or another.

Now, I do want to say this. I had a good childhood. I am not looking back and blaming anybody for anything. Every family has good and bad stuff. This is me, looking at myself, and trying to understand why I do the things that I do. I can’t change the past. I can’t fortune-tell the future. I can only look at myself today, with brutal honesty, and change how I react to things I can’t control. This blog is not criticism of others at all. It’s reflection. When I understand the why, I can change the how.

I joined the Army in 1984 and I learned about feelings in the military. You weren’t supposed to have them (anyone). As a young woman, I also learned I wasn’t supposed to have any opinions, too (which led to a lot of feelings I wasn’t supposed to have).

The words I remember in the Army: “Suck it up.” “Don’t be such a baby.” “You are a whiner.” “You are an airhead.” “You are a slut.” “You are too sensitive.” “You’re such a girl.” (Right? Wasn’t I a girl?) “You are weak.” “Don’t let anyone see you cry.” “You are a bitch.” “Nobody likes a crybaby.”

The Army taught me that sensitivity is a bad thing, and that expressing feelings is even worse. Crying means you’re weak. Anger means you’re a bitch. Confusion means you’re stupid. Disagreement means you’re a troublemaker. All of it means you’re a failure.

I come out of this in my late 20’s still not able to really talk about feelings. Heck, I couldn’t even properly identify feelings with exception of being mad, sad, or glad. Those three I knew, or thought I knew. Mad and sad are bad. Glad is OK so long as you’re not walking around like a Pollyanna. Don’t be too cheery otherwise others will see you as arrogant.

Out in the world, life in general taught me over and over that sensitivity is bad. I was told this a lot. A LOT! By family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintences. Decades of “You’re too sensitive.” What ended up happening wasn’t a good thing at all. Every time I got angry, I would feel guilty. Every time I felt empathy or gratitude or happiness, I was being too sensitive and would try to knock it down a few notches. Every time I was sad, I was overwhelmed with guilt and frustration, because I wasn’t grateful enough. I would feel bad about feeling bad, and that made it all so much worse. I was in this constant circle of feeling bad about everything, because I thought I should be feeling a certain way, and I was unable to feel the “right way.” It made me feel broken beyond repair. And then, I felt bad about feeling broken!

This past month as I have been journaling my way through this, my thoughts have changed quite a bit. At first, I began with really questioning why I do the things I do, and being upset with myself. Now, I am starting to entertain the thought that perhaps I should be a little more kind to myself, because upon reflection it’s not so surprising that I am this way. It’s less a why, and more a why not. 

The last 2-3 years I have been in therapy at the local area V.A. Hospital where I live. I’ve had typical “talk therapy” and very specific PTSD therapy. In addition to my therapist (psychologist), I am also under the care of a primary doctor and a psychiatrist. All three work together for my total health. I now take medications that help me with depression and anxiety. I have a safety plan in the event that my thoughts and feelings take a major dive.

Last summer I even volunteered for a residential treatment program specific to my PTSD. I learned a lot of new skills. I learned how to identify my feelings. I learned how to talk about my feelings. I learned how my feelings are often connected to beliefs I have about myself. I learned how to chart out an event (something I did or something that happened to me), identify the feelings/thoughts I had about it, and I can take it all the way back to a core belief. From there, I can logically list out more beneficial ways to respond to things. CPT. ACT. Mindfulness, and much more. All great skills!

What I have been doing the past month, here at home, is journaling. Diving deep, not just easy little things to write down, but really stripping bare the thoughts and feelings I share with no one. I’m finding all kinds of things hidden away in nooks and crannies that just wait to jump out and BOOM! I’m looking at these thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors mercilessly. It’s kind of like going through your closet. You have a KEEP box, a DONATE box, and a THROW AWAY box. I’m identifying what to keep, what I can share, and what’s not beneficial for me. OK, so journaling. Another thing I am actively doing is allowing myself a daily “freak out” time. Especially now that we’re dealing with this pandemic. The whole no money, no work thing. About 30 minutes or so, I give myself permission to feel what I feel, to totally freak (of course that’s me on couch being worried). From there I have to let it go as best I can, to get through my day. Well, I try to, because thoughts and worries do pop up. I also try to be mindful of when that “feeling bad about feeling bad” rears it’s ugly head. I purposely (and sometimes out loud) remind myself to be compassionate with myself. It’s OK to have feelings. It just isn’t beneficial for me to live in constant judgement of myself. My mantra is no judgement, just compassion. Seriously. Out loud. No judgement, just compassion. I’m also meditating with purpose before I get out of bed, and before I go to sleep. Breathing exercise, calming thoughts. Finally, I will also be doing a S.T.A.I.R program via Telehealth with another V.A. therapist, and I am looking forward to working through all the modules.

Not feeling bad, about feeling bad, is foreign to me right now. Being nice to myself feels weird. My judgmental self is a rude loudmouth. My nice self is a bit of a wallflower. I’m introducing my judgmental thoughts to my compassionate thoughts. I have to do these things with purpose, and sometimes out loud, to deal with my racing thoughts. Even though this is relatively new to me, I’ve been feeling a little more positive about myself. A little more kind. It’s a start. I have a long journey ahead of me, but I’m on my way.

Some definitions: 

PTSD – Post traumatic stress disorder is an anxiety disorder that develops following frightening, stressful, or distressing life events. Characterized by intense fear, helplessness, and stress, PTSD affects normal life and functioning of the patient. Treatments include medications and psychotherapy, either alone or in combination. 

CPT – Cognitive processing therapy (CPT) is a manualized therapy used by clinicians to help people recover from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and related conditions. It includes elements of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) treatments. A typical 12-session run of CPT has proven effective in treating PTSD across a variety of populations, including combat veterans, sexual assault victims, and refugees. CPT can be provided in individual and group treatment formats. 

ACT – Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT, typically pronounced as the word “act”) is a form of counseling and a branch of clinical behavior analysis. It is an empirically-based psychological intervention that uses acceptance and mindfulness strategies mixed in different ways with commitment and behavior-change strategies, to increase psychological flexibility. The approach was originally called comprehensive distancing. Steven C. Hayes developed Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in 1982 in order to create a mixed approach which integrates both cognitive and behavioral therapy. There are a variety of protocols for ACT, depending on the target behavior or setting. For example, in behavioral health areas a brief version of ACT is called focused acceptance and commitment therapy (FACT). 

MINDFULNESS – Mindfulness is the psychological process of purposely bringing one’s attention to experiences occurring in the present moment without judgment, which one develops through the practice of meditation and through other training. Mindfulness derives from sati, a significant element of Buddhist traditions, and based on Zen, Vipassanā, and Tibetan meditation techniques. Though definitions and techniques of mindfulness are wide-ranging, Buddhist traditions explain what constitutes mindfulness such as how past, present and future moments arise and cease as momentary sense impressions and mental phenomena.

STAIR – Skills Training for Affective and Interpersonal Regulation is an evidence-based cognitive-behavioral therapy for individuals suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) including chronic and complicated forms as well as for individuals with PTSD and co-morbid disorders.