Well, here it is. April 12, 2020. Easter Sunday. I doubt there are many people that would have believed the difference between Easter last year, compared to this year. I can speak for myself and say I wouldn’t have believed it, had anyone told me this is the way it would be.

We are several months in to the COVID19 pandemic here in the United States. I live in Champaign, Illinois. My own state has been under “stay at home” orders since March 21. The confirmed coronavirus cases jump by the thousands every day. Chicago is being hit hard. Most of the deaths by this vicious virus have occurred in our northern counties, through today, that may change as it spreads.

I watched the news with alarm when Washington State exploded with coronavirus cases and clustered deaths. I watched with disappointment when I saw all the Spring Breakers partying it up, none of them worried about a thing. I watch every day with horror and sadness when I see how New York suffers. It’s like a war zone there. I watch with trepidation as I watch this virus spread across our nation. I watch with empathy as I look at the “big picture” and how the entire world is affected. I cry when I see stories about families losing several loved ones, husbands and wives dying, people dying with no family by their side, people knowing their loved ones are dying and they cannot be there. I see exhausted doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists (and all hospital workers, think of hospital housekeeping, they keep everyone safe). I see nurses stepping in and being proxy family, while their patients are ravaged, and die. Police, firefighters, paramedics, and all first responders showing up for work at great risk to themselves. Truckers, mailpersons, delivery folks of all kinds. So many I am leaving unmentioned and I apologize. I am grateful for all of you. I pray for you. Saying thank you isn’t enough, but it’s all I have.

I feel helpless. Sometimes, I feel worthless. The only thing I can do to help, is stay home. It doesn’t feel like enough. Not at all. I also often feel guilty, because we have food. Our cats have food. Our bills our paid, but I’m not sure for how long, as we have run out of cash. But, today, they are paid.

Hundreds of thousands of people in our country are out of work. So many of them are also not eligible for unemployment. They have no money or are running out of money. Bills are piling up. They have no food, or very little of it. Food banks are trying so hard to fill the gap. I fear many businesses that had to close, will never reopen, because the financial losses will be too much to overcome. Shattered dreams. Failing hope. Fear.

My husband got laid off from his job on March 20. He is not a man of many words, but I see the worry. After nearly 30 years together I can read it on his face. He throws on a brave face and a smile for me, and keeps himself busy around the house and yard. I know it’s really his way to keep his mind from dwelling on scarier things. We are just recovering from a bankruptcy caused by medical bills for me, a couple of years ago. I’m also high risk because I have COPD, so he worries about that too. I haven’t left the house for about 6 weeks. He goes out about once a week to fetch groceries and he gets scared about it. Not that he will get it, but that he will get it and give it to me. He takes all precautions. We all do what we can.

Wow, I really ran off track here. Forgive me. I have so many feelings and thoughts. If you’re still reading, thank you for your patience and allowing me to meander about in my head for a while. Anyway, back to Easter dinner. I love to cook and bake, and preparing holiday meals are something I look forward to. For Easter we usually have a ham or roast, spaetzle, mashed potatoes, yams, green beans, stuffing, pies, homemade bread, deviled eggs, fruit salad and anything else we might want. Lots of food. All in the land of plenty.

Today, we are having ramen, canned fruit, animal crackers and pop. Truth be known, I am so grateful for this meal, it seems almost crazy. We’re going to sit down in the living room together on the couch, watch TV, eat our ramen and have a nice, quiet day. We’re going to reflect on the terrible fact that so many people doing without food at all for Easter, is a new normal in America. And here we sit, with plenty of ramen, and yes we are grateful. But, we are also terribly sad about it, and sometimes we feel guilty about it. Maybe it won’t be such a nice day.

The helplessness makes me curl up and cry on my bed, until I am all cried out, and when I arise there is still nothing I can do. I’m going to wipe my tears away, pet my cats, hug my husband, and make our ramen. I will silently think about every person that’s hurting because of COVID19. I will offer my broken heart, and send my love. It’s not enough. It just isn’t enough. So for those of you out there that are having nice dinners, or ramen, or any kind of food for Easter, please remember those who have nothing. If you are home safe and everyone in your family is safe, please remember those suffering illness and grieving loss right now. If you are still able to work, please remember those who aren’t because of the shut down. If you have the financial means to help and feel so inclined, please remember your local food banks. Please be kind. This isn’t the time for hurtful words. Call your family, friends, and coworkers. And here I am again, falling down a rabbit hole, off topic.

I am grateful for ramen on Easter. I am blessed. I’ll end it here to spare all of you the mess in my mind. Those of you that celebrate, I wish you a Happy Easter. I just wish it was enough.